A Day at the Office
by Onionbreath002
Summary: Memebers of Eliwood's Army get fired and must find their own jobs! Obvious chaos ensues and antics at the unemployment office rage about. Rated for Language, sensitive scenes, gambling, theft, some violence, and politics.
1. Default Chapter

Charlie: Okay, so who's old enough to remember this? Anyone? Hello! Yeah, anyways, those bastards took it down way back when, so now, I must "clean" this thing up. Anyways, it's now "acceptable" for the hypocritical bastards running this site so there's nothing they can do about this.

Erk: You're holding a grudge aren't you?

Charlie: Yep. You did what I told you to do?

Erk: You're really holding a grudge. You're like mad at everyone.

Charlie: No, just the people, but I've been mad at them like…always.

Erk: And her?

Charlie: She backstabbed me. Anyways, I don't own Fire Emblem, and whatever the heck else that comes up in this thing.

* * *

You're All Fired!

Somewhere in the middle of Ostia, Eliwood's Elite was waiting for their tactician and getting ready to buy weapons and set off for the fight of their lives. Everyone was anxious to get moving, anxious for the battle. They all cheered when their esteemed tactician arrived.

The tactician was a tall and imposing man named Charlie, but he was lighthearted and cheerful, if not a bit sarcastic. The man had black hair, soft blue eyes, and was as wide as he was tall, but nobody ever told him that. Though he liked to joke, the tactician never smiled before a battle. Since he was smiling now, everyone knew something was up.

"Hey guess what?" Charlie said happily. "We're not gonna go shopping for weapons anymore."

"WHAT? NO SHOPPING!" a blonde haired bishop named Lucius said. "BUT WHY!" He was clearly addicted to shopping.

"Because the war's over." The tactician announced. "Nergal tripped over a rock and died from blunt trauma to the head. His minions all gave up. It's over. No more Black Fang, no more stupid dragons no more 'end of the world' crap."

Everyone in the camp cheered at the news. Unfortunately for them, their happy world is about to come crashing.

"However, as such, I am issuing the order to disband this army." Charlie continued. "As of today, you guys are no longer under the employment of Eliwood's Elite because it does not exist anymore."

Everyone looked around confused. "Umm, in English please?" A blue haired man named Hector asked.

"Y'all are fired!" Charlie said bluntly. "Now pack your bags and get out! OUT!"

"WHAT! FIRED!" The panicked cry went up.

"You heard me." Charlie said. "Now pack up. Come on, let's go."

"But don't we get retirement plans, stock options and pensions?" An old paladin named Marcus asked.

Charlie laughed at the question. "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! Oh my listen to this guy! He thinks you all get retirement plans, stock options and pensions!"

"But do we at least get medical?" Marcus asked again.

"No." Charlie said straightly. "As far as anyone was concerned, nobody expected you to live. Besides, you get paid enough to get your own medical right?"

"No! you hardly pay us at all!" A purple haired mage named Erk said.

"No wait, he did pay me twenty grand." A blue haired Pegasus knight named Farina said.

"WHAT! CHARLIE!" The rest of the army yelled turning towards the tactician who immediately put up his hands.

"Don't look at me." Charlie said. "Hector paid her. I told Hector to go tell her to go eff a tree, but then that moron never listens."

The mob immediately turned to Hector.

"What? Can't a guy work around his own little fantasy?" Hector asked.

The effect was immediate. Half the army laughed while the other half pretended to retch. Farina glared at Hector and if it weren't for two strong warriors restraining her, the young lord would've been on a skewer.

"Okay…" Charlie said. "I'm gonna leave before I get scarred beyond help. See ya all and good luck." With that the tactician turned and left the now disbanded army to fend for itself.

"So…" A red haired lord named Eliwood said uneasily. "Does this mean we have to get…a REAL JOB!"

A collective gasp went up as the group shuddered at the horrible word. The thought of holding a real job was too horrible to imagine.

Then another lord spoke up, a young girl with long teal hair. Her name was Lyn. "I don't know, this might be actually pretty fun."

"True…" Hector said as he thought about it. "At least we won't have to take orders from that bastard Charlie anymore."

Everyone thought about it and agreed with the two lords. Maybe the experience won't be so horrible. So one by one they packed their belongings and left, saying a nice goodbye to everyone else.

* * *

A few days later, an injured Ostian citizen named entered the general hospital. He had accidentally cut his hand while doing some home improvement and was looking to get it cleaned and wrapped. When he entered the hospital, a pretty pink haired girl with a loud annoying voice handed him the usual forms to fill out. It was all routine so he did as he was told and waited for a bit. It was all understandable since his injury wasn't that horrible.

As he waited another man who looked like he had been shot through the head with an arrow ran in. Running to the counter, the second injured man started to yell frantically.

"HELP ME! I GOT SHOT THROUGH THE HEAD!"

The receptionist, a former cleric named Serra looked at him and replied calmly. "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to fill out these forms."

"WHAT!" The man yelled. "WHAT PART OF 'SHOT IN THE HEAD' DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND! BESIDES! MY HAND IS THE ONLY THING KEEPING MY BRAIN FROM LEAKING OUT!"

"Sir, I must ask you to calm down and fill out these forms or else I can't help you." Serra said again.

"Elimine!" The man said. "I'm dying here and the bureaucracy wants me to fill out papers."

He grudgingly and painfully took the papers and sat down next Joe. As he began to write, blood and a grayish soft matter began to leak from his head.

"Sir?" Serra said again. "There's some gray stuff coming out of your head. You should plug it with your hand or something."

Then the man let out the longest and loudest string of cuss words Joe ever heard in his life.

Five hours later, Joe was getting sleepy, and it still wasn't his turn. He turned to look at the man to his right and noticed the man wasn't moving, or breathing for that matter. Joe immediately began to panic.

"HOLY HELL! NURSE! DOCTOR! I THINK HE'S DEAD!" Joe yelled out.

Immediately, the pink haired picked up a special stave and began talking into it. Moments later, a magically enhanced voice rang out throughout the hospital.

"Code Blue, Admitting. Code Blue, Admitting."

Moments later, a crash cart with medical instruments arrived with a real doctor and a red haired nurse.

"What happened here?" The doctor asked while the nurse laid the man out on a streatcher.

"He came in with an arrow wound in the head. I had him fill out forms and he just suddenly conked." Serra replied.

"Serra..." The doctor said. "A arrow wound in the head constitutes an emergency, this man should've been attended the moment he walked in. Didn't you read the hand book!"

"Yes, but the handbook said arrow through head. When he came in, he didn't have the arrow in his head." Serra said.

"THAT'S BECAUSE HE PULLED IT OUT! GOD SERRA! USE YOUR BRAIN!" The doctor yelled. Then he turned and saw his nurse performing CPR.

"GOOD GOD PRISCILLA!" He yelled. "THE MAN HAS AN ARROW WOUND TO THE HEAD! CPR IS NOT GOING TO HELP HIM!"

Priscilla ignored the doctor and continued to perform CPR. "YOU GOTTA BREATHE! YOU CAN'T DIE ON ME! NOT NOW!" She yelled.

"Okay, let me get the situation straight." The doctor said. "This guy comes in with an arrow wound in the head. YOU Serra, make him fill out forms and wait five hours. Now that he's probably clinically dead, Priscilla here's ignoring my orders and trying to perform CPR on him for an arrow wound to the HEAD. WHO THE HELL IS IN CHARGE OF HUMAN RESOURCES HERE!"

"HE'S BREATHING!" Priscilla suddenly announced. "HE'S ALIVE!"

"WHAT!" The doctor said surprised. He turned and saw indeed that the man was now breathing calmly. He went up and took a pulse and found it shockingly to be normal. "This doesn't make sense. Anyways, get him to a room Priscilla, and I'd like to see you in my office after you do."

Just then, Serra noticed Joe. "Oh, sorry sir, I forgot about you. Let me look at your hand."

Joe backed away. "Umm, it's fine right now, thanks."

But Serra was insistent and she grabbed Joe's hand. "It looks bad, we may have to amputate."

"SERRA!" The doctor said. "I'll handle him; you go join Priscilla in my office."

After Serra left, the doctor cleaned and wrapped Joe's hand.

"Sorry about that sir." The doctor apologized.

"It's okay…but I think you need to get better help."

The doctor nodded. "I need to have a chat with human resources after dealing with those two."

* * *

Sain the green lance was seated at a table in the World Poker Championship Elibe. He was a natural at poker and had a knack for knowing when to fold. Slowly and steadily, he worked his way up. Now, he was at the finals table with only two more opponents left. If he wins, he will be the first millionaire in Eliwood's Elite. His trusted companion Kent, whom he had convinced to tag along for the poker tour stood behind him.

Sain looked at his opponents. One was a beautiful woman who had folded this round. The other was a rather burly looking man with the straightest poker face ever. Sain looked at his cards and the cards on the table.

'Hmm, two kings and two queens.' Sain thought looking at the flop and the draw card. Just then his opponent put his cards down and pushed his entire stack in.

"All in." The man said.

Behind Sain, Kent was getting nervious. "Don't do it Sain…" Kent whispered fiercely.

But Sain was a pro. He had a feeling his opponent was fibbing. And he had a strong two pair. "Call." Sain said.

"YOU FOOL!" Kent said.

"Don't worry…" Sain said. "He's bluffing."

As the two men held their breaths, the dealer flipped the river card. It was another queen. Sain now had a full house of queens and it easily killed his opponent who had but a measly pair of sixes.

Sain laughed as he raked in his chips and congratulated the man for being a tough opponent. He only had one more opponent to defeat before winning the big prize.

Kent looked at Sain's last opponent and knew his companion was a goner. If the girl knew anything about the reputation of the green lance, she would kill him easily. When Kent saw the girl wet her lips and bat her eyes at Sain, he knew that this girl wasn't stupid.

As the cards were dealt out, bets were placed and the game began. The girl apparently had something really good because she repeatedly raised. Kent hoped to St. Elimine that Sain would be smart enough and not take the bait. But every time Sain looked up, the girl gave him a flirtatious look and Sain called.

After the deal card, Sain still had no chance. There was a pair of aces on the table, but that didn't help Sain. With his hand and the board, he had nothing except for four consecutive cards, suited. Sain's chances relied on the last card being part of his straight or else he was dead. As Kent did a quick calculation of the odds, he got worried. The chances of Sain getting his card was one in around five trillion.

"Don't do it Sain…Don't do it." Kent urged.

But Sain looked at the girl who blew him a kiss and winked. Sain put down his cards. "All in." He said.

Kent slapped his forhead. "YOU MORON!"

"I believe in the heart of the cards!" Sain said.

The river card was flipped, and to Kent's utter disbelief, it was Sain's saving grace. The one card that made Sain's hand a straight. Kent nearly jumped with delight, seeing as he and Sain would soon be millionaires.

Then Sain did the unthinkable. The girl saw Kent's reaction and knew Sain got his card. So she turned towards Sain and pouted, looking innocent and sexy at the same time. Sain took one look at the girl and nearly wet himself.

"I'll go out with you if you fold…" the girl mouthed.

Sain took a while to read it, but he immediately understood. He looked at his cards and tossed them away. "I fold."

Kent's happiness drained instantly. "YOU WHAT!"

"I fold." Sain said.

"You…imbecile! HOW COULD YOU LET HER SEDUCE YOU! IT'S ALL A TRICK! SHE'LL NEVER GO OUT WITH YOU! NEVER!"

Kent began to cause a scene, and immediately the security guards were upon him, dragging the poor man out. Sain watched as the girl gathered her winnings. She ran up to him and wrapped her arms around him.

"I owe you one." She whispered. "I'll be back for you after I pay off my mom's surgery."

With that, the girl kissed Sain lightly and ran off with her winnings, looking not one bit like a girl going off to pay for her mother's surgery. Sain stood there, with nothing and watched her go. It was a while before he finally decided to leave.

* * *

A sandy haired man stood over the Ostian branch of the Smithsonian Museum. He stood in a picturesque pose and plotted over his devious plot.

"Soon…" the man said. "Soon, this museum shall know the abilities of MATTHEW! MUAHAHAHAHAH! -HACK COUGH!- Argh, stupid sore throat."

Matthew took a few pills and calmed down. "Ugh, I wouldn't have to do this if it weren't for that bastard Charlie. But NOOO! He and his stupid 'anti-assassin' policy ruined my dream of becoming an assassin and working for the mafia. BUT I'LL SHOW HIM! ONCE I GET RICH, I'LL HIRE SOMEONE TO KILL HIM AND STEAL THAT FELL CONTRACT! MUAHAHAHA!"

He then left for the day and came back later that night, when the masses disappeared. Silently, with the stealth and grace of a cat, he snuck across the museum grounds, while humming the mission impossible theme rather badly.

"Dun…dun…DUNDUN dun…dun…DUNDUNDUN…" Matthew hummed.

"You hear that?" A security guard asked his partner.

"What?" The partner asked.

"That really bad sounding version of the MI theme. Sounds like someone stepped on a cat or something." The guard said.

"Nope, but lets go check it out." The partner said.

The two men walked around the perimeter and into the building. Meanwhile, Matthew had broken in and was walking down the hall to the precious gems exhibit. He heard footsteps behind him.

"Uh oh…" he said and he pressed himself against a wall painting and held a chord of the Mission Impossible theme, hoping that the security guards won't notice him. Lucky for him the security guards saw him and decided to keep walking.

"That was weird…" the guard said as they went back to their original posts.

Matthew let out his breath and went into the exhibit. He found his target, the Hope Diamond. Going up to the exhibit, he began working to remove the diamond. As he grabbed it, he saw the words "cursed stone" in the description. Matthew scoffed it off and ran away. Unfortunately for him, as soon as he got outside, the diamond triggered an alarm and immediately, dozens upon dozens of sages surrounded him, carrying bolting tomes.

"Oh shit…" Matthew said and he started to run. Moments later, hundreds of bolts of lightning fell upon him, sending millions of volts of electricity into his body.

"AHHH! IT BURNS!" Matthew took the diamond and threw it back. "TAKE IT BACK! THE THING IS CURSED! AHHHHHHHHHHH!"

The security force picked up the diamond and watched the thief run off.

"What? Hmm…" The leader said. "Okay, that was new. And doesn't he know that the real diamond isn't even on the display at nights? It's switched with a fake to prevent stuff like this from happening."

With that and a shrug the hit squad was called off and everything was back to order.

* * *

At the unemployment office, Serra and Pricilla was arguing over who's fault it was that got them fired when Sain walked in.

"SAIN!" Serra said. "I knew you'd be here! What'd you do? Hit on the bosses daughter?"

"No, I got killed at poker." Sain said.

"Lemme guess, Charlotte." Priscilla said.

"Yeah, that was her name." Sain said. "How do you know?"

"It's in the papers. Charlotte killed a loser who claimed to be the green lance at the world championships." Serra said.

Sain got the paper and read in shock over the details of how he stupidly lost the poker game to a girl who just bought a mansion for her 'was never sick' mother. That's when Matthew came in all nice and crispy.

"What happened to you?" Priscilla asked.

"Meh, tried to rob the Smithsonian." Matthew said. "Stupid Hope Diamond was cursed."

Serra looked at him. "You do know that none of the museums put real gems on display at night right?"

Matthew stared at her. "NO!"

"Wow…" Serra and Priscilla were speechless. "Umm, good luck next time?"

"Oh shut up." Matthew said. "What about you two? Kill some one yet?"

"Serra almost did, but I saved him, but I got fired for 'unnecesary tactics.'" Priscilla complained.

"Hey! I wasn't the one whacking someone with a mend staff." Serra said.

"At least it worked okay!" Priscilla said. "And I wasn't the one who let a near dead man wait five hours for attention."

"For the last time, the book said that only if he has an arrow through his head. He did not have the arrow in his head!" Serra argued back.

The unemployment officer looked at the four idiots sitting in the lobby arguing and put up the "out to lunch" sign. She knew that nothing would ever help them keep a job and she wasn't about to try it anytime soon.

* * *

Charlie: Well, minor changes. Sain plays poker instead, but it's essentially the same. Please leave a review! 


	2. Deadly Sea Urchin

Charlie: Okay, I'm back. And I see that nobody is old enough to remember this n.n;;; Oh well, this was from a long time ago. Anyways, thanks to everyone who reviewed! Your comments and support are very helpful (Either for this thing or for my shattered ego.) Anyways, here's the next chapter, and I'll eventually work a plot into this…eventually. Right now, it has no plot, it's just everyone either quitting or getting fired from their jobs and then reuniting in the unemployment office. However, I will be introducing two OCs, and eventually a plot will form. But now, enjoy as the FE people do really badly at their jobs.

Erk: And he doesn't own FE.

Charlie: Good God, I don't know WHY I have to say that…oh well. Oh and there are things in this chapter that will SEEM anachronistic, I apologize in advance for it, but I promise you that I will explain it in the next chapter.

* * *

Deep in the forests of Lycia, the loud shout of "TIMBER!" was heard throughout the woods as the Lycian Lumber Company's newest lumberjack went through his rounds.

Hector made a perfect lumberjack. He was good with an axe, he had the strength of an ox, and he had absolutely no compassion for plants whatsoever. Unfortunately, he also broke nearly all of his axes within mere hours of getting it.

This day, he was going around filling his quota. He went up to a tree and began to chop. As he chopped, the foreman came around to inspect him.

"Hey Hector, how are you doing?" The foreman asked.

"Great!" Hector said. "I got half the quota filled and I'm working fast, but I think this axe is about to die out."

"Well, tell me when it does and I'll get you a new one. You're doing good kid, keep it up." The foreman said and then he turned around and left.

Hector resumed his work. He marked the tree and got ready to chop it down. Unfortunately, when the strong young lord went into his back swing, the head of the axe flew from the shaft and rammed into the head of the foreman, whose head cracked like an egg and spewed blood and brains all over the forest grounds.

"OH MY GOD!" One of the other lumberjacks cried as he ran over to help the foreman. "YOU KILLED HIM YOU BASTARD!"

"Hmm, they sure don't make axes like they used to." Hector said to himself and he picked up another axe to swing, completely oblivious to the commotion going on around him.

"WAIT! He's alive!" One of the workers who doubled as a medic yelled after inspecting the foreman. "But he's hurt bad! Somebody call an ambulance!"

Hector then went into his back swing again and once again the axe head flew off, embedding itself into the mutilated head of the foreman.

"SON OF A BITCH!" The other workers yelled. After wiping the blood from his eyes, the medic-worker checked the foreman again. "Nevermind. He's dead. Call the morgue." He announced sadly.

Then the workers began to converge upon Hector. The young man began to notice shadows behind him. When he turned around, he found himself staring at dozens his own colleagues glaring at him menacingly while holding big shiny axes.

"Uhh…guys? Hi? Umm, what's with the looks? Why are you coming so close to me? And why are the axes out like that? Why? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! HOLY SHIT! YOU'RE ALL GONNA KILL ME!" Hector screamed and covered his head with his hands and began to shake.

"Dude, calm down, you're not gonna die." One worker said.

"I'm not?" Hector asked hopefully.

"Nope, you're just fired. NOW GET OUT BEFORE WE REALLY KILL YOU!"

Hector didn't need any encouragement and he immediately ran out of the forest as fast as he could.

* * *

Charlie sighed as he trudged into the office building he works in. Ever since leaving the army, Charlie the tactician was hired by a huge technology firm to be a financial counselor. Unfortunately, his boss was also the most incompetent moronic idiot he's ever had the misfortune to meet. And after living with the likes of Serra and Bartre for over a year, that's really saying something.

Charlie quickly stamped his time card and rode the elevator to the top floor where he had the honor of having an office right next to his esteemed CEO's office. Somehow, he wished he was with the janitors instead, they had much more culture.

After entering the room, Charlie quickly set his briefcase down and got to work checking computer records of what his boss might have done overnight. Charlie remembered his second day at work when his boss bought nearly fifty-thousand shares of Martha Stewart stock without asking him. He sighed, that man belonged on some sports field and getting surrounded by groupies rather than in an office building playing with money.

As he worked his boss poked his head into the room. "Hey Char, got a second?"

'Christ.' Charlie thought. "Okay, give me a second Mark."

After going though the records and making sure it was clean, he turned towards his boss. "So, what's up Mark?"

"Well, I got a promotion idea!" Mark said.

Charlie groaned. "Again! Come on Mark! We've been over this already. You play with the dump trucks I bought you in your office and leave the finance to me. Now work with me here."

"But it's a cool idea!" Mark said. "PWEASE!"

"Christ… fine." Charlie said. "If it'll get you to shut up."

"OKAY!" Mark said. "Now, my plan is to use your background as being Lycian to promote our products, seeing as how your continent wasn't even discovered until a few weeks ago."

"Yes, I'm painfully aware of that since you made me watch The Village and put references to it in my office." Charlie said.

"Well, I say we dress you up like one of them monsters, get some hot dude to do something, you go away, people think it's cool, and we get monies!" Mark said.

"Wait…you want ME to dress in a chicken suit." Charlie said.

"Yep! It's perfect! Come on, what do you say?" Mark pleaded.

"I say you're insane. Now let me do my job and you go play with your toys." Charlie said.

"But CHAWEE!" Mark whined. "It'll be fun!"

"Mark, ever since I came to this country last week, I have been SICK of The Village. Yes I know old Elibe government got too obsessed with that movie and locked us into time, yes I KNOW that we just got technology last week, yes, I am PAINFULLY aware of the correlation, but for gods sake I am NOT dressing up in that chicken suit!" Charlie said.

"But you have to!" Mark said. "I'mma the boss! You do what I say otherwise I no pay you. Oh and I also want penguins."

"WHAT!" Charlie asked.

"Penguins!" Mark said. "I likie penguins! Ohhh and pie!"

"Of all the random…where'd that come from!" Charlie asked.

"I dunno…" Mark said. "I just like penguins and pie. Now do it Chawee or else I no pay you!"

"Well, guess what Mark." Charlie said. "'Chawee' no workie for you no more. I QUIT!"

With that, Charlie packed is things and stormed from the building. Charlie immediately bought a ticket back to Elibe and he made sure to plant a bomb under M. Night Shamalayn's house.

* * *

In the Ostian Public Library, Erk was settling in comfortably into his new job as a librarian. It wasn't that high paying, but he got to read every book in that library during quiet days. Sometimes the kids get too loud, but then Erk always…takes care…of them.

One day, it was quiet. Erk was sitting back with an edition of the encyclopedia. It was his dream to read the encyclopedia. Unfortunately, he just got through the "p's" when school got let out and kids began to flood the place. Sighing, Erk put down the heavy book and took his place as waves of noisy kids, rude teenagers, and them graduate students poured into the library, talking, being loud, listening to their "punk" music, and being a nuisance in general.

Secretly, Erk schemed to get rid of them, running the gamut from a fake emergency to taking a machine gun and killing them all. Then, as a rude awakening to his murderous thoughts, a tinny voice spoke to him.

"Uhh, mishter?" a little girl said. "I want to check this out."

"Okay." Erk said with a fake smile. "Here you go!"

Erk stamped the book and sent the girl off. "Bitch…" he muttered under his breath.

Then, out of the corner of his eyes, he saw two boys drawing in a book. Erk snapped. To him, desecrating a book was the biggest violation of the natural laws. Fuming, Erk pulled out a fire tome and began to rain bolts of fire down on the kids.

"DIE BITCHES! MUAHAHAH!" Erk yelled as he rained flaming death upon the little ones, seriously injuring many. Unfortunately, he forgot that paper was flammable as well.

In a second, the entire library was ablaze. The headmaster of the library ran from his quarters.

"ERK! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!" He yelled.

"Those kids were desecrating a book!" Erk yelled back. "They had to be punished."

The headmaster looked at the books Erk was pointing to.

"YOU FOOL!" he yelled. "THAT'S A COLORING BOOK! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DRAW IN THEM!"

"Uhh…oh shit." Erk said.

"GET OUT! YOU'RE FIRED!" The headmaster said, lifting Erk by the collar and kicking him out of the library, literally.

* * *

Matthew couldn't help but smile when he saw Charlie enter the unemployment center.

"OH HO!" Matthew said. "What have we here? The man who fired us all here? In this center? My, what a turn of events."

"Shut up Matthew, I quit, unlike you who didn't even know that the real hope diamond is locked in an underground vault at nights." Charlie said. "Hell, is being a thief even considered a job!"

"What! How'd you know that!" Matthew asked wide-eyed.

"Dude, it's in the news! Some retard with sandy hair robbed the Smithsonian of a plastic jewel and then threw it back screaming 'AHH! IT'S REALLY CURSED!'" Charlie said, handing Matthew a copy of the newspaper. He then turned towards the TV with interest as it began to show his favorite show of all time. "AHH SWEET! Iron Chef is on!"

Charlie sat down on the couch as Matthew continued to read and began watching earnestly.

* * *

Five years ago, a man's dream became reality in a form never before seen to man, Kitchen Stadium, a massive cooking arena. His inspiration for building such a lavish battle arena? To experience new and authentic cuisines from around the globe. So secretly he began to choose the top men of culinary skills and he named his men, the Iron Chefs!

Iron Chef Chinese is Chen Kenichi. Iron Chef French is Hiroyuki Sakai. Iron Chef Japanese is Masaharu Morimoto. And Masahiko Kobe is Iron Chef Italian.

Everyday, challengers from around the world come to kitchen stadium to do battle with the Iron Chefs. Using all their skills, their senses and their creativity to create original dishes. And if ever a challenger triumphs over the Iron Chef, he will gain the people's fame and ovation forever. Every day, reputations are on the line here in Kitchen Stadium. What inspiration will today's challenger bring? And how will the Iron Chefs fight back? The heat will be on!

"If memory serves me right, just last week, the esteemed President Bush of the United States has just discovered a new continent on our planet called Elibe. This continent is one of mystery and magic, with dragons and sorcerers, that until now, was locked in a medieval-esque phase, not unlike the popular movie The Village. In this land, there was an epic battle where a ragtag army fought to save their land from a madman bent on world domination. That's where our challenger comes from. Today's challenger is Sir Lowen of the Pherae Knights, head chef of "Eliwood's Elite." His food is said to possess magical qualities, used to restore the army's strength after even the most grueling of battles. Now Sir Lowen, come show us your magical food and bring the strength of Eliwood's Elite to Kitchen Stadium!"

Chairman Kaga steps out into focus of the camera. He pulls a yellow bell pepper from a basket and takes a bite. Chewing on it, a smile slowly grows on his face as the camera zooms out and hundreds of chefs suddenly appear.

* * *

"What are you watching?" Serra asked as she and Priscilla approached Charlie.

"Iron Chef. Lowen's on!" Charlie said.

"Cool!" Priscilla said and She and Serra crowded around the TV. Matthew suddenly noticed that everyone was watching the television, so he decided to put down his papers and watch to.

* * *

Chairman Kaga walks out.

"Elibe, a land of mystics and dragons. Today, our challenger comes fro this land. His food is said to have…magical qualities. Now lets bring him on! The head chef of Eliwood's Elite, Lowen of Pherae!" Kaga announced proudly.

Lowen, in an apron and a tall hat strutted into Kitchen Stadium, looking proud in his new garb. He walked up to the Chairman and shook hands with him.

"Nice to meet you." Lowen said.

"Now, I hear you food is magical." Kaga said. "Is this true?"

"That's what they say." Lowen said.

"Then good luck." Kaga said. "And now, lets bring out the three Iron Chefs. I SUMMON THE IRON CHEFS!" Kaga said.

"And now, presenting the pride of the Gourmet Academy, YOUR IRON CHEFS!" The announcer said followed with an intro of each chef.

"So, who will it be?" Kaga asked.

"Umm, Chen-San please." Lowen replied.

After a little bio about Iron Chef Chinese Chen Kenichi, the two chefs took their respective sides and waited to hear their secret ingredient.

"Elibe! When I hear this name, I think of the movie The Village. And when I think of that movie, I think about something protected. This gave me today's secret ingredient. To get to the good parts of this animal, you must go past its spiny defenses. Today's theme is!" Kaga said pulling a cloth from a table concealing something. "SEA URCHINS!"

Kaga waited a minute for the chefs to gather their thoughts.

"ALLEZ CUISINE!" Kaga then announced and a gong was banged. Signaling the beginning of the battle.

"And with a bang of gong we are on! Challenger Lowen, will he be able to defeat Iron Chef Chen? Hello everyone, Kenji Fukui here as always and with me I have lawyer Kiyoko Lee with me. Welcome Kiyoko."

"OHH! I LOVE FOOD!" Kiyoko said.

"Yes, I'm sure you do." Fukui said smiling. "And I'm sure you'll taste some great food today."

"SQUEE!" Kiyoko squealed.

"And with us as always is Doctor Yukio Hattori. Doc?" Fukui continued.

"Always a pleasure."

"Okay, Sea Urchin. How do you see this Hattori-San?" Fukui asked.

"Well, I know Chen's probably at a disadvantage, but then I don't know much about Elibean cooking, so it's an interesting match-up to see." Hattori-San said.

"Look at the Challenger!" Fukui said. "He seems to be…done."

"What? That can't be right." Hattori said. "He's only done one thing it seems, stuff the Sea Urchins into a pot with tons of Mexican hot sauce and it looks like Ilian Rum."

"Well, it looks like he's packing." Fukui said.

"Fukui-San." A floor reporter said.

"Yes, Shinichiro Ota from the floor, Ota-san, go." Fukui acknowledged.

"It seems that the challenger is indeed complete. He adheres to the code of chivalry in Lycia of which apparently dictates that only one dish may be served." Ota reported.

"Okay thank you. Yes the challenger is done, but if his food is as magical as people claim it to be, then it shouldn't be a problem." Fukui said.

"I'm hungry!" Kiyoko said.

"Hehe, you'll get your turn." Hattori-san said.

The next hour passed quickly and everyone watched as Chen-Kenichi prepared four dishes. Near the end of the hour, Lowen pulled his sea urchins from the pot. The meat was glowing, almost radioactive and was clearly poisonous. But since people thought it was magic, nobody got worried.

"The challenger has but one dish. A spicy sea urchin, Ilian Rum flavored. This sea urchin has completely been soaked through with Ilian Rum and hot sauce, giving it a spicy but authentic Ilian flavor. The Iron Chef counters with four. First a sea urchin sashimi, in this the natural flavor of the sea urchin is brought out with a special sesame dipping sauce. Second, sea urchin soup in sea urchin shell. The use of the shell as a bowl in this dish is a creative touch. Fourth, spicy sea urchin, Szechwan-Style. This is a rendition of his spicy shrimp, using sea urchins instead, truly a masterpiece. Lastly, a sea urchin dessert, using fresh cream and consommé jelly garnished with a bit of Japanese pocky." Fukui announced, recapping the dishes. "And now, the moment of truth, tasting and judgement. First up, is Iron Chef Chen. On the tasting panel are, former lower house member, Kurimoto, lawyer Kiyoko Lee, actress Miyuko Takata, and culinary critic Asako Kishi."

Chen serves his first dish to everyone and the panel eats the delicious food.

"OHH! GOOD!" Kiyoko squealed. "I wants more!"

Chen blinked and smiled. "Okay." He said serving more to the lawyer who happily wolfed it down.

"Wow Kiyoko-San." Kurimoto said. "You're packing it in. But I don't blame you, this dish is wonderfully prepared. Very good."

Next, Chen serves his sea urchin soup in sea urchin shells.

"YUMMY!" Kiyoko squealed again. "More?"

Chen chuckled and ladled some more soup for Kiyoko.

"Wow Kiyoko-San." Takata said. "I could never eat that much. But this soup is so delicate, I like it."

"This soup shows the depth of Chen-San's cooking. Very good." Kishi said.

Next Chen serves his main dish, the spicy sea urchin.

"I WANT-" Kiyoko was about to say.

"More, yes I know." Chen said and everyone laughed a bit as Kiyoko got her seconds again and happily ate it.

"Wow, I never knew this dish would work I must say, I was nervous at first." Kurimoto said. "But this is really good."

"I agree." Takata said.

And finally, Chen serves his dessert.

"YAY! POCKY!" Kiyoko said attacking the dessert.

"Haha, oh dear." Chen said as Kiyoko finished the dessert and pouted at him. "I guess you want more."

Kiyoko nodded and squealed happily when Chen served her.

"How do you stay so thin?" Takata asked. "I must have your secret."

Everybody laughed and praised Chen's creative use of sea urchins.

"Next up is Challenger Lowen." Fukui announced.

"Well, I must say I am looking forward to your magical dishes." Kaga said as he took a bite. Suddenly, he turned pain.

"HURP!" Kaga groaned. Everyone crowded him, asking him what was wrong, then suddenly, Kaga's stomach imploded and the man fell limp onto the table.

"YOU KILLED THE CHAIRMAN YOU BASTARD!" everyone yelled in unison.

"How could you!" Kurimoto said.

"GET OUT!" Hattori yelled. "BEFORE WE GET THE POLICE!"

"WEEE!" Kiyoko squealed as she picked up Lowen's deadly dish and chucked it at the unfortunate chef. Lowen had no choice but to run. Kiyoko chased after him, chucking pieces of his deadly sea urchin at him and Lowen wondered when the torture will stop.

* * *

Charlie stared at the TV.

"…he…he killed…NUUUU!" Charlie sobbed. Everyone was up, talking about the death of chairman Kaga. Iron Chef was a popular show, and now that the man funding it was dead, how could it go on?

Just then Lowen burst into the room. Charlie turned to see who was making all the racket, but suddenly Lowen slammed into him. Charlie stumbled backwards and crashed into Matthew, who wasn't fast enough to get out of the way. Matthew in turn slammed into Serra, dragging her down. Serra then tripped over Priscilla who also went down. Priscilla then in turn crashed into Sain who was suddenly dog-piled by everyone.

Kiyoko then followed. She saw the huge dog-pile and squealed. Setting aside her sea urchin, she got on top of Charlie's stomach and started to jump on it.

"Dog pile on the pervert!" She chanted.

"OOF!" Sain yelled as he got crushed. "Spine… shattering… organs… failing… spleen… missing… can't… breathe…" He gasped.

"OW!" Charlie said as Kiyoko jumped on his stomach. "Kiyo… get off me? My stomach isn't a trampoline."

"Whoops." Kiyoko said and stopped as everyone got up and put bones back into place.

"So, looks like Lowen finally got a girlfriend." Hector said walking in suddenly. "I saw her chase him all the way here."

"I'm not his girlfriend!" Kiyoko yelled and tossed a piece of sea urchin at Hector.

"SON OF A!" Hector yelled. "WHAT IS THIS! IT LOOKS POISONOUS!"

"It is." Charlie said. "Lowen killed someone with it…by the way, how DID you get to Ostia from Japan in like, three minutes?"

"Ahhh…" Lowen began then he paused. "I don't know…Kiyoko, how DID we get here?"

Kiyoko shrugged and pulled down a world map. "That's a good question. From the distance marked here, it doesn't really make sense."

"Oh well." Charlie said. "Just curious. It's been a while Kiyo."

"Wait, you KNOW this hyperactive ball of boiling energy?" Lowen said.

"Yeah, I went to high school with her." Charlie said. "She was worse back then, but she moved away, went to law school in Japan."

Lowen sadly shook his head. "I feel sorry for you. So, what happened to you?"

"Meh, I quit because the moron I worked for wanted to put me in a chicken suit and wouldn't shut up about stupid "The Village". What about you Hector?" Charlie said.

"Meh, I killed my boss." Hector replied coolly.

"WHAT!" Every cried out.

"YOU KILLED your boss!" Matthew said. "AHAHAH! Oh my god, that is the most BONEHEADED thing I've every heard of!"

"HEY SHUT UP!" Hector barked and he began to chase Matthew around with an axe. Kiyoko and the tactician began to catch up on old days and talk about a certain murderous friend they had back then, and Serra and Priscilla were arguing over their latest thing. Sain was still crying on the couch. That's when Erk showed up.

"Hey Erk!" Charlie said. "You're here too?"

"Yeah…" Erk said. "Lousy bastard…kick me out will you? WELL I'LL SHOW YOU! I'LL SHOW YOU ALL!" Erk screamed.

Everyone looked at him and took one good step away from him as Erk huffled over to a couch and sat down to read. Immediately Serra and Priscilla were in competition to gain his attention.

As this went on, the receptionist decided to pack it for the day. She made a note to come back tomorrow four hours later and have a 5 hour lunch so she wouldn't have to deal with these people. Quietly, she snuck out of the building, locking the people in with a few blankets and all their noise and commotion.

* * *

Charlie: DONE! Frankly, everything in this chapter sucked except for the killer sea urchins. That one was in the old one. I always like the killer sea urchins. Well, anyways, hope you guys like this. Keep reviewing, and eat your veggies!

Erk: Oh and if anybody asks, I never burned down a public library.

Charlie: Yeah you did.


End file.
